Coronavirus Lockdown Day Nine – I shoot the parrot


Molly the parrot finally and irretrievably signed her death warrant today with her rendering of yet another unwarranted and unwanted joke and I must warn you that this is quite the most terrible parrot joke I have ever had the displeasure to stumble across on this deserted and god forsaken island. Even my new companion Man March seemed pleased at my action despite the fact that - at least as far as I am aware, he understands little or nothing about either the English language or syntax:

‘Squawk. After more than 40 years of marriage, a woman’s husband suddenly dies. Squawk Squawk For several months she sat alone in her house with the shades pulled and the doors locked. Finally she decided she needed to do something about her situation. The loneliness was killing her. Squawk Squawk.

Squawk Squawk. She remembered that her husband had a friend who owned a nice pet store — a pet might be good company. So, Squawk Squawk, she dropped in one afternoon to look over the pet selection. She looked at dogs, cats, goldfish, humming birds and even snakes! Nothing seemed quite right. She told the store owner she wanted a pet that could be a real companion — “almost like another human being in the house.”

Suddenly the man suggested one of his prized parrots. He showed her the colourful bird.

“Does it talk?”

“Absolutely! It’s a real chatterbox. Everybody who comes into the store is astounded by this parrot’s friendly disposition and wide vocabulary. That’s why it’s so expensive.”

“Sold!” She bought the expensive parrot and hauled it home in a large, elegant (expensive) cage. At last she had a companion she could talk to, who could answer back. Perfect!

But there was a problem. A full week passed without the bird’s saying one word. Beginning to worry, she dropped by the pet shop.

“How’s the parrot doing? Quite a talker, huh?”

“Not one word. I haven’t been able to get a single sound out of that bird. I’m worried!”

“Well, did you buy a mirror when you got the parrot and the cage last week?”

“Mirror? No. There’s no mirror in the cage.”

“Well, that’s your problem then!. A parrot needs a mirror. It’s funny, but while looking at itself, a parrot starts to feel comfortable. In no time at all it will begin to talk ten to the dozen.”

So, the widow-woman bought a mirror and put it in the cage.
Time passed. Still nothing. Each day, the woman talked to the bird, but not a peep came from its beak. For hours on end she would talk as the parrot stared in silence. Another week passed without a word. By now the woman was really getting worried.

“The parrot still isn’t talking,” she told the pet store owner. I’m worried. All that money, the mirror … still nothing.”

“Say, did you buy a ladder when you got the cage?”

“A ladder? No, I didn’t know the parrot needed a ladder. Will a ladder make it talk?”

“Works like a charm. The parrot will look in the mirror and get a little exercise, climbing up and down this ladder several times a day will make it sing with joy. Before long, you won’t believe what you hear. Trust me, you need a ladder.”

So, she bought the ladder and put it into the cage next to the mirror … and waited. And waited. And waited. Another seven, eight days, still nothing. By now her state of mind was beginning to approach the panic stage. “Why doesn’t it talk?” That was all she could think about. She returned to the store in tears with the same complaint.

“Did you buy it a swing?”

“A swing! No. I have a cage, a mirror, a ladder — I thought I had everything. I had no idea I needed a swing.”

“Oh, you gotta have a swing. A parrot needs to feel completely at home. It glances in the mirror, takes a stroll up and down the ladder, and before long it’s on the swing enjoying itself — and bingo! I’ve found that parrots usually talk non-stop when they’re perched on a swing."

The widow-woman bought the swing. She attached it to the top of the cage near the ladder and coaxed the parrot up the ladder and onto the swing. Absolute silence. For another ten days not one sound came from the cage.
Suddenly she came bursting into the pet store really upset. The owner met her at the counter.

“Hey, how’s the parrot? I’ll bet ...”

“It died! My expensive feathered companion is dead at the bottom of the cage.”

“Well, I can’t believe that! I’m just shocked! Did it ever say anything at all?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact it did. As it lay there taking its last few breaths, it said very faintly, ‘Don’t they have any food down at that store?

 Squawk Squawk Arghh! Please nooooooo ……’

Well I did warn her. As I pulled the trigger I took to song:

I shot the parrot, but I didn't shoot no deputy, oh no, oh
I shot the parrot, but I didn't shoot no deputy, ooh, ooh, ooh ... !

Tomorrow is of course another day …


Duncan Harley is a writer and blogger living in the Garioch. His books are available from Amazon. Just search for Duncan Harley in the Amazon search box. Signed copies are available @ Inverurie Whisky Shop.


Location: Aberdeen, UK

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