Boris Meyer @ Kabul's Third Runway


One can almost imagine the frantic conversation as the Foreign Secretary advised his minions that he was not after all planning to put his head on the chopping block in a last-ditch effort to stop the Heathrow third runway extension:

“Don’t be silly. Is my middle name Goering? Or Meyer? I mean come on, it’s not as though a single bulldozer has actually been dropped on the bloody place.”

“But sir, you made a pledge to the electorate”

“Well perhaps, but that was yesterday; or at the very least a long long time ago. And I can do whatever I want and you can’t stop me.”

“Well, erm, what would you like us to do? You obviously can’t attend the Common’s vote on the matter. You would have to resign in protest after all.”

“Just get me out of here for a bit for god’s sake. What about India, or maybe somewhere important like Borneo or Greenland. I’ve got it! Send me to Kabul, that should bloody well do it.”

“But there’s nothing much happening in Kabul at the moment sir. Perhaps you should fake open heart surgery instead. Or we could maybe break your leg or remove a toe-nail.”

“No, I really really want to go to Kabul. Find someone for me to meet and make it snappy! Maybe that Hekmat Karzai chap – yes that should do it! We can maybe chat about kites, or human rights or a third runway for Kabul Airport or something.”

Seemingly Boris has advised constituents that “I have long been an opponent of a third runway at Heathrow and that is why I am not voting for it tonight … some of my critics have suggested that I should resign over the issue. No doubt they have my best interests at heart. "

Presumably the PM has approved the trip, perhaps on the basis that her Foreign Secretary’s pledge to die on the fields of Hillingdon would achieve nothing of much importance.

Location: Heathrow Airport (LHR), Longford TW6, UK

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

North East Scotland At War – by Alan Stewart

Image
Reviewed by Duncan Harley Five years in the making, Alan Stewart’s new book ‘North East Scotland At War’ will appeal to anyone even remotely interested in the history of the North-east of Scotland. There are plenty of home-defence books out there which record the difficult years between the Chamberlain peace accord and the Soviet conquest of Berlin. Osborne’s ‘Defending Britain’ and Gordon Barclay’s  ' If Hitler Comes’ are the classics. But this book is slightly different and there is certainly room for further historical accounts of the dark days when Hitler threatened our shores. With a decidedly local slant, North East Scotland At War launches the reader into the minutiae of the defence of the North-east against what was, for a brief few years, perceived as the Nazi threat. The archaeology of those distant times is laid bare and many of the official documents which record the difficult days inhabit the pages. A ground-based Invasion never came. But preparatio...
Read more

The Shell Hoosie @ Dunnottar Woods

Image
The North-east countryside is littered with heritage in the form of archaeology from the near and distant past. There are Roman marching camps, castles galore and of course a multitude of ancient stone circles and standing stones. Most of these structures were built for a purpose.  For example, each night the while on the march the Roman army constructed a temporary camp, complete with rampart and ditch, as a defence against attack while in hostile territory. Examples can be found at Durno and at Kintore. The Castles and the big houses were in many cases also defensive structures but in more recent times they became potent symbols of the wealth that the area generated through agriculture, inheritance and trade. Debate of course continues over the true purpose of the standing stones and the stone circles. Places of worship and centres of mystical ceremony say some. Others wonder if the circles were simply settlements. After all, folk in those distant times needed a decent ...
Read more

Leopards for Swans @ Aberdeen – by Duncan Harley

Image
I was privileged to obtain a copy of Edi Swan’s splendid history of His Majesty’s Theatre a couple of years ago. I forget precisely how the book arrived in my hands. It was either via Amazon or, more likely via a swap for some Leopards. In the days when Leopard Magazine was on the go as an independent voice for the writers of the North-east, I was able on occasion to get my hands on a few writer’s copies. Just to oil the wheels you understand and not to oil my bank account. Artists, local businesses and heritage centres usually benefited from the spare copies. One may have ended up in Royal hands. But, of course, my tongue is tied to this day. Whilst researching a story, folk more often than not will ask when it will be published and can they get a complementary copy sent out as a reward for speaking onto the page. As politely as possible, the writer will usually resort to some excuse or other. “Ah, well, that’s an editorial issue” or “I’ll see what I can do” is often ...
Read more

The Scottish Samurai Awards 2018 – By Duncan Harley

Image
The four-star Maryculter House Hotel was today the venue for the Scottish Samurai Awards. Scotland and Japan have long enjoyed both trade and cultural links – well for just around 150 years in truth. Japan sent many students to the UK between the late Edo period (1603-1867) and the early Meiji period (1868-1912) in order to explore and import Western technology and the various international trade exhibitions of the 19 th and early 20 th Century provided useful platforms for the sharing of both scientific and aesthetic ideas. Cities such as Glasgow and Aberdeen provided ripe-pickings for the aspiring technologists and alongside acquisition of new skill-sets the two nations exchanged cultural and artistic aesthetics which continue to create broad-ripples to this day. Japan, of course, had participated in the second Glasgow International Exhibition in 1901. The Japan Pavilion was located near the main exhibition hall at Kelvingrove and there is a likelihood that Renni...
Read more

The Carron To Mumbai – by Duncan Harley

Image
Scotland’s love affair with Indian food knows few bounds. As a Glasgow student many years ago, I variously got to grips with endlessly bland lamb-bhuna styled carry outs and mind-numbingly awful  starters following a good few pints of  lager. Various mediocre meals were served up as authentic Indian sub-continent cuisine and we accepted them as the norm. It seems odd nowadays, but if the consistency varied from one restaurant to another, we moaned. A McDonald’s style mindset prevailed and the security of a cloak of blandness took precedence. Thankfully the days of Indian food by numbers are fast ending and the recently opened Carron To Mumbai at Stonehaven is a stunning example of the new enlightenment in Indian cuisine. I first became aware of the Carron Restaurant a good few years ago. Family visits for birthdays and get-togethers led me there and the place simply blew me away. The food was one thing, but the Art-Deco setting was quite another. Combine ...
Read more

Stone Stacks down by the Don – By Duncan Harley

Image
I had hoped to go zip-wiring down Union Street at the weekend. It’s something of an occasional passion and although I hate the blatant uncontrollability of rib-ticklers and roller-coasters, the prospect of dangling dangerously from a swinging cable whilst travelling at speed over difficult terrain somehow fills me with joy. Aviemore and Perthshire have been my previous zip-wire haunts and a quick enquiry to the city council elicited the underwhelming response that ‘We won’t have the zipwire installed on union street In Town Without My Car Day.’ It was an omen. In the event, The Scottish Samurai Awards over at Maryculter House Hotel took prominence and I reported on this at length @: https://duncanharley.blogspot.com/2018/09/the-scottish-samurai-awards-by-duncan.html As it turned out, the Union Street zip-extravaganza was cancelled on the day due to inclement weather although all was fine over at Maryculter. In a quite separate piece of disappointing street-theatre, it s...
Read more

Bells @ Stonehaven - by Duncan Harley

Image
Alongside the Art Deco buildings - one an open air pool, the second a splendidly new curry house aptly named 'Carron to Mumbai' - Stonehaven has quite a lot going for it. With Dunnottar just around the headland and two of Scotland’s most famous chippers – one wins accolades for best battered fish in Scotland-shire, while another deep fries chocolate bars to order ... what’s not to like about the place. I gave the seaside town a good few mentions in my Our Town Leopard Magazine articles. Robert Burns, the Raedykes Mons Graupius connection and that Highland Boundary Fault made it onto the pages of the now sadly defunct periodical. Hitler’s Bunker, fresh seafood, fine dining and New-Year arson inhabited the pages. And, inevitably some war history made it into print in my A-Z of Curious Aberdeenshire book as well. We, Janice and I, had been checking out the Cowie Stop Line. In case you’ve never heard of it, it’s a largely forgotten part of the Stonehaven history. ...
Read more

The Cruise of the Land-Yacht Wanderer

Image
Dr William Gordon Stables (1837-1910) was an early but enthusiastic proponent of the caravan holiday. Famously, he was also author of possibly the first caravan holiday guide. Titled “The Cruise of the Land-Yacht Wanderer - 1300 Miles in my Caravan” the book is, perhaps predictably, an account of his 1300-mile horse-drawn caravan journey around Britain and was published in about 1886. Described as a "shed on wheels", his two tonne 30ft long caravan came complete with a china cabinet and was pulled along by Captain Cornflower and Polly Pea Blossom - his two horses. His dog was named Hurricane Bob. Dr Stables was particularly taken by the Aberdeenshire coastline and, in an attempt to murder prose, infamously described the town of Banff in glowing terms: “I have discovered Banff … it is by far and away the most delightful town on the coast … the scenery all around would delight the eyes of poet or artist.” Reviewers took a dim view of his travelogue and one even went so ...
Read more

Bennachie’s Casualties of War - By Duncan Harley

Image
September 3 marks the  anniversary of the declaration of war in  1939 and, just a few hours into the conflict, the Bennachie hill-range in Aberdeenshire was witness to an accident resulting in the deaths of two RAF airmen. The hill has seen two 20 th century air crashes. The most recent in 1952 when an RAF Gloster Meteor jet fighter on a training flight from RAF Leuchars crashed during a snowstorm into Oxen Craig on 12 February 1952. The pilot, Yorkshireman Brian Lightfoot died instantly on impact and wreckage was scattered over a wide area. One of the aircraft’s cannon was retrieved by souvenir hunters and was for a time stashed in a barn over at Oyne before being re-discovered in the 1980’s. The RAF’s fleet of Gloster Meteors had what can only be described as a horrendous safety record and records indicate that there were 436 fatal accidents between 1944 and 1986. Some 890 of these aeroplanes were lost during that period over the entire UK including one piloted by ...
Read more

Smokey Joe

Image
Many years ago, in fact more years than I care to recall, I met a man in a pub in Inverurie. I had seen him a few times along the bar and imagined him to be some big landowner or at the very least some rich son of a gun. Deer-stalkered, he sat at the end of the bar swapping conversation with a few cronies. The conversations usually revolved around Africa, or Boston, or sometimes Portugal. Intrigued, I inveigled myself into his company. It proved to be a good move. Eventually he featured in a Leopard article or two as ‘Retired Railway engineer Joe Strachan’ and his tales of gunslinging ambushes on the railway route between Victoria Falls and death by landmine on the Mozambique railway lines will no doubt feature in an intended novel. Imagine my surprise when, during a visit today, he revealed that a street in the Zimbabwe province of Harare is named in his honour. Both Google Maps and something by the name of Geoview.com record that: “Strachan Street is next to Ardbe...
Read more